lost in a place,between spaces.
between knowing and living.
trying to die and crying.
im sick of this place.
it tastes like regret and heartache.
like a kick to the teeth or a bad night of drinking.
my head aches for years,and my eyes numb.
things cease to make any sense,and feelings lie to you.
thoughts and dreams, bleeding into each other,like a sick fantasy.
all of it just seems,like a lost dream,within a dream.
ive had 3 of these kind of very specific dreams.
i dreamt of this,beautiful girl. blonde hair.pale skin. and beautiful smile.
i wish for the life of me i knew who she was.or what she is meant to represent.
last one i had. i met her,walking down a road. i was walking home,from school.wich is absurd,cause im 26. but its what it is. i was walking home from school. and she was there. going the same way down the road as i was. as i was looking down at the ground and walking as i tend to do all the time, i was walking into the middle of the road,and she pulled me to the curb.said something. and she kept walking ahead of me. i walked the same direction.cause we where going the same way down the street. next thing i know. shes holding my hand.and telling me how weird i am. but i didnt care.cause it was in a nice way she expressed it. and with a beautiful smile, at me. i smiled a bit. felt very good to smile,from my heart.next thing i know. holding hands.we end up at this. very large tower. seems to me,that it was a tourist spot or location of someking. we hold hands.walk all the way up,and we see this.magnificent view. it is stunning.next thing i know. i kiss my goregous angle. and i find myself saying. i dont know you at all. but im madly in love with you. as i say this.im holding her in my arms. and she smiles. then. i wake up. i wish i didnt have to wake up. i really dont whant to wake up when i have dreams like these. i want to sleep forever.so i can be with my angle forever. fuck existence. fuck living.fuck finding a job, or some type of career. fuck family. life. everything. all i want.is this angel.of my dreams. she is. everything i want. and so much more. she brings warm feeling and life back into whats left of my heart and soul. she is. amazing. i hope this isnt some kind of joke god or who ever is the creator of man,who is playing on me.because if it is. i swear. im going to kill them. i would kill god. die a million times over. if it meant meeting my dream angel in the flesh. im so broken.so down. so lost. i dont know why i bother writing this on here.not like any one will ever read this. why do i bother. im such a fucking fool.anyways. my angel. wherever you are. i hope with alll my heart and soul,i find you. i need you more than anything else in my life. you fill my heart with such happiness. and emotion. i love you,my dream angel. fake.real.or not.or something in between. i will always love you. and chase you. and hope i get to hold youre hand again in my dreams,every day,till i die alone.
i had this.very vivid dream. about my ex fiancee. we got back together. i saw the smile on her face. i kissed her,and i could feel her lips and her skin,pressed up against mine. i cant stand this. i guess,deep down inside,ill always miss her.but i know we could never happen again. im dead to her. god i hate myself so fucking much right now. there not a bootle deep enough where i can drown my past. or my heart. i want to die more than anything right now. someone please fucking kill me.
why cant i just forget you,like you forgot me?
why cant i stop loving you,no matter how much you broke me and my heart?
someone.any one.fucking kill me.
yesterday,the girl of my dreams,leaves me. and today. today is the damn 20th anniversary,of my fathers death. talk about worst timing ever...right?
no wonder i feel miserable. time,hast this tendency,to come back,and bite you,and beat you down,when u least expect it. sure. it gets easier to live with it.but some times.somethings.just aren't.
i want a bottle to drown in,so badly.
but i dont think i can find a drink deep enough.or wide enough.or just.enough.
i dont know what to do.
we barely speak,was it something i said.or maybe shes just tired of me.
i will find out the truth soon enough. confrontation is the only way of any answer found.
im to fucking emotional. to weak,for her. i know it. im just lying to myself. im a fucking wreck. and she doesnt need that. i cant do this. im so afraid. im so fucking scared.of it ending. shes so wonderful. and shes so cruel. my heart cant take this melancholy. i have to face the truth.no matter how much it fucking kills me. ive fallen in love,deeply,far too many times in my existence. love is just not a thing for me. it drives me mad.insane. i ache because of how i feel. i hate myself for letting it do this to me. i will never find the right one.the right person.that makes me feel.they all lie,to me. i cant take it anymore. i wish i could scream. i wish i could cry. i wish i could tear this flesh off. im done pining away. for someone that doesn't want me. i suffer to much. i want to much. of something that doesnt exist. not for me. not is this existence. not in this life time. ill die alone. loneliness. my only friend. and lover.
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Tool, is my most favorite band.
such powerfull amazing lyrics and music. all of wich , i higlhyl reccomend.
i can say enough great things about these 4 individuals that play,such powerfull music and lyrics.
simply. beautiful in all .
here are some of my most favorite lyrics.
so very true. so very real. i relate,completely,and utterly. feels almost as if the song was written with me in mind. its such a great feeling when u find a song that feels that way.
I have come curiously close to the end, down
It's calling me...
And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
Its source is bright and endless
And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
So crucify the ego, before it's far too late
im done. looking for love,effection,compassion, u know. all the good stuff that supposed to come with it.
im just so beyond sick and tired of trying to love.
im so sick of feeling everything.
i really wish i didnt feel anything at all.
im so sick and tired, of having so much love to give, and no one ever wanting it.
im gonna go far away, start a new life, a new place.
idk where this life will take me, but one thing is for sure, its gonna be a hell of alot better than the one im living now. im sick of love. it dosent exits. at least, not for me.
i guess i must have been the devil in a past life, to be so unlucky in love.
maybe im just not good enough for it, maybe, their really isnt any one out their for me.
maybe i am meant to live, and die alone.
fuck this life. fuck answers. im just gonna leave this world behind. leave this life behind. and maybe, someday, i can learn to be happy with what ive got. but for now. im just to damn lonely, and too damn sad to feel anything remotely different. why me. why now. why this life?
not for me.
not worthy of it.
not good enough for it.
not good enough for anybody.
im just gonna go away. far away. and never look back.
as i step into a smooth calm, numbing drunk coma, i find myself and my heart at the bottom of a bottle, of my favorite poison.
as i speak my odd, strange, sometimes true, sometimes just pulling out of my ass, nonsensical philosophy and sorrows of my life, i cant help but wonder, how many times the earth has spinned on its axis, and how many more drunk people through out history, existence, i have shared these exact, lonely, sad, drunk times, and have shared the same drunk ramblings, of love, life, existence, god the devil...u know..etc..etc..etc...
A drunk philosopher? or just a drunk over thinker?!
but i always ponder, on everything. its what keeps me company at nite, its what keeps me awake till the shinny star makes its way to my side of the planet, shines in my face a big, howdy fucking do! just another meaningless, lonely day for you to exist through, till either illness or the voices in youre head have their way with you, and you blow youre head off with a sawed off shotgun, or throw yourself in front of rush hour traffic. I would never drown myself in any type of body of water though, i do have some respect to the element, why exactly i have no idea. i just do. i enjoy starring at the sea. dont know why. numbs the sounds in my head i guess.
its been three years, and im finally feeling, it. feeling that feeling, that im gonna be ok, since she left me, and ill be ok, for what little while longer i can support the, emptiness of it all.
the loneliness is what kills me. the empty bed, the empty shower. the empty u name it.
ive gotten used to it, somewhat, but part of me will always fear it, and will always cry over it. i cant help it. try to embrace it, but i can only half way do that, guess im more human than i thought i was.
anyways, year 3, comes with change, huge change, life changing change. for the good? for the worse?? i don't know...all i know is that i need the change. change from a new home, change from a new life.
will i survive? will i find my center? will i make something of myself and not be anymore of a loser than i already am?!....idk...so many questions and no clear answer anywhere near my sight.
all i know is i gotta change. for bad, or good.
its this struggle. this balance. to both exist and die.
to both want to live for something and to die for something.
its hard to explain and describe. its all an un named feeling
something deep within me. deep withing my soul. my heart. my counsciousness.
i know. i want to live. but i know, at the same time i can never live a happy life. never have love. never have beautiful children with my soul mate. i know it. deep within me. i know ill die. so very alone and angry and bitter..
i know it. its inevitable.
because honestly, who could ever love a guy like me.
im so fucked up. i dont think like they do. i dont think like the other sheep in the flock.
i think strangely. differently. with an open mind and soul.
i think from a place of both logic and reasoning in wich cant be comprehended by just any so called normal human being.
i think from the pit of me.
i think from me. my own experiences. my own life course. my own truth.
we al believe what we want to. that is what makes us human.
human beings, think from a place of both experience, and reasoning. but also from a place in our hearts and souls.
that is what make us so different from any other thing in our world. or on earth.
we think differently. because we know it.
and i know. it . that i cant live any much more, than the regular man can.
i know. ill die alone. i know. i dont deserve love. its either beecause i have had some horrible things ive done in a past life or its because, i was satan himself in a past life. how should i know.
all i know is. that when i die.l i will wake up. i will know the truth. i will. find a way.
and if god existes i will look the fucker straight in the eye and ask him why.
why do humans hurt each other. why are they so fucking selfish. why do they only look out for number one. not any more number thann that.
why do i hurt so much. i dont want to hurt. i dont want to hurt any one. all i want. is love.
true compassionate love.
that i know. dosent exist.
for i am a reject. i
am some kind of being that cannot, nor will ever be good enough for love.
i know it.
i just do.
so fuck life.
fuck this mortal coil
wake me up! i just want to wake up!
fuck you god! fuck youre satan! wake me up!!
wake me up!
thats all i want to know the truth wake me up
you sick fuck
some one pass the fucking revolver. im done with this russian roulllette
i just want to say goodbye.
to the ones or one who actually gave a damn.
mother i love you. you never gave up on me. such a fucked up ugly angry soul of a boy.
father, im coming. just like you i want to know the truth.
wake me up oh so called god creator of man. judge me! fuck me!
i dont care anymore!
i dont care! just kill me! fuckuing die!
you sick twisted fucker of a creator of so called man in his bloody disgusting image!
i hope you choke on my bile of human putrid flesh you sick fucking creator. of man and disgusting b ile
of what is human being! you fucking fairy tale!
you fucking liar!
someone. wake me up. from this nightmare.
ive recently gotten into the music of tom waits.
i think the man is a genius.
his music is a blend of so many different styles, its definitely a unique style all of its own.
its definitely not going to catch the ear of most people, but its caught mine.
he also does some spoken word stuff, some story telling stuff on some albums too.
here is one of my favorites.
Not much chance, completely cut loose from purpose,
he was a young man riding a bus through North Carolina on the way to somewhere.
And it began to snow.
And the bus stopped at a little cafe in the hills and the passengers entered.
And he sat at the counter with the others, and he ordered, the food arrived.
And the meal was particularly good.
And the coffee.
The waitress was unlike the women he had known.
She was unaffected, and there was a natural humor which came from her.
And the fry cook said crazy things.
And the dishwasher in back laughed a good clean pleasant laugh.
And the young man watched the snow through the window.
And he wanted to stay in that cafe forever.
The curious feeling swam through him that everything was beautiful there.
And it would always stay beautiful there.
And then the bus driver told the passengers that it was time to board.
And the young man thought: "I'll just stay here, I'll just stay here."
And then he rose and he followed the others into the bus.
He found his seat and looked at the cafe through the window.
And then the bus moved off, down a curve, downward, out of the hills.
And the young man looked straight forward.
And he heard the other passengers speaking of other things,
or they were reading or trying to sleep.
And they hadn't noticed the magic.
And the young man put his head to one side,
closed his eyes, and pretended to sleep.
There was nothing else to do,
just to listen to the sound of the engine,
and the sound of the tires
in the snow
ive gotten that feeling before... i find a quite place, that i am a complete stranger too.
and at that very moment i am their. i find it the most beautiful place.
and i get that strong feeling,that it will always stay that way.
and i never want too leave.
sometimes i feel music is the only way i can deal with my shit.
They're both totally void of hate,
The snake behind me hisses
And I feel this coming over like a storm again.
Venomous voice, tempts me,
The snake behind me hisses
And I feel this coming over like a storm again.
I am too connected to you to
Without the skin,
And the snake is drowned and
I could have cried then.
And as the walls come down and
I am too connected to you to
And considerately killing me.
Previous Postsinsomnia ramblings, posted November 1st, 2014
angel of my dreams, posted September 29th, 2013
nightmares, posted September 3rd, 2013
...Worst timing, posted July 29th, 2013, 1 comment
............cant, posted July 28th, 2013, 1 comment
killing myself to live, posted April 12th, 2013, 1 comment
Tool: Reflection, posted November 16th, 2012
Im done................., posted April 17th, 2012
a short......something?....idk?, posted January 16th, 2012
balance, posted November 12th, 2011, 1 comment
nirvana by tom waits, posted July 14th, 2011
Tool : h, posted June 27th, 2011
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